CLEVELAND, Ohio – During a jail ministry service, I talked a little about forgiveness.
Afterwards, a middle-aged man named Fred came up to me. He opened the shirt of his orange jump suit.
“See that scar?” he asked.
There was no way to miss it.
The scar was about eight inches long, four inches across. It was old, but you could still see how the skin was damaged and would never fully heal to look as healthy as it once did.
“What happened?” I asked.
“It was my mother,” he said. “I was just a kid.”
This discussion was about 10 years ago, so I don’t recall all the details. But the scar came from his mother taking a hot iron to his chest.
“How do you forgive that?” he asked, his voice quiet and cracking. He wiped a tear from his eye with his sleeve.
How do you forgive that?
Most of us don’t have a huge physical scar near our hearts as he did, but emotional ones are there.
And they linger.
The abusive parent. The neglectful parent. The close friend or spouse who walked out, telling everyone how you are an awful person.
FORGIVE & FORGET?
And when we hear, “Just forgive and forget,” who can do that?
When the offense is serious, the answer is “probably no one.”
Nor does the Bible say anything about forgiving and forgetting, other than God does forget our sins after they are forgiven.
That’s from Hebrews 10:17-18: “Their sins and lawless acts, I will remember no more. And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.”
Some of us have been hurt and we are waiting for the offender to “make up for it.”
The “no sacrifice for sin” part and does apply to us. When our lives are scarred by a major offense, we’re not going to forget it. In those instances, there is really nothing that can “make up for it.”
THE DEAD BODY TORTURE
Do our scars define us?
Some of us are waiting for a person to apologize or somehow “make it up to us” and that person is dead or long gone.
I’ve read several versions of this quote, but I like this best: “Forgiving means giving up the right to get even.”
How could Fred “get even” with his mother? If you have been sexually abused, how do you really “get even” with the other person? Suppose you kill the offender, then what?
Suddenly, we can become emotionally (and maybe even physically) jailed by our violent attempt to break free of unforgiveness.
I once heard Pastor Knute Larson (formerly of The Chapel in Akron) tell a story of long ago torture where a person had a dead body tied to him. He couldn’t shake it free.
The disease and the insects went from the corpse to the man who was attached who was attached to it. He eventually died. Larson said that’s why long-held bitterness and resentment does to us.
WHAT TO DO?
A few key points:
1. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean restoring a relationship with a dangerous person.
3. Reconciliation is the next step after forgiving. It means redefining the relationship. Maybe it’s now only casual where it was once close. Or perhaps we can talk it out.
4. Forgiveness is remembering the times when God has forgiven us, and others have forgiven us.
5. Sometimes people who have a hard time forgiving others don’t believe God has forgiven them. Is that an issue?
I asked Fred, “Does the scar hurt when you touch it?”
He said it had “healed.” It was still ugly, but it no longer hurt...at least not physically.
That’s how forgiveness works when God and prayer are involved. Counseling may also be needed.
It’s not a quick process. We often have to tell ourselves, “I’m not walking around carrying that dead body of bitterness on my back. It’s killing me.”
Eventually through the power of prayer, we can accept the scars as part of our life – but it’s not going to determine how we live.
TERRY PLUTO RECENT FAITH & YOU COLUMNS
Stories of parents, kids, pain and hope
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When you go the store, do you see the mask-wearing clerk as a person?
The world today has me feeling like Howard The Duck
What do you think when looking at your father’s tombstone?
Father Walt Jenne: 50 years on Faith’s Frontline
What can I say to an African-American friend as anger arises?
Hey graduates, let’s talk relationships!
Patient? What do you mean, I’m not patient? I’ll tell you who needs to be patient!
The battle to keep focused on the big picture
Surviving The Shadow of Valley of Death
Dealing with isolation and a scary economy
Feeling trapped in a tomb during Easter.
Looking of the ‘Little Miracles’
What to say when you don’t know what to say
The Link LonkJuly 31, 2020 at 06:15PM
https://www.cleveland.com/news/2020/07/can-you-really-forgive-and-forget-when-it-was-so-painful-faith-you.html
Can you really forgive and forget when it was so painful? – Faith & You - cleveland.com
https://news.google.com/search?q=forget&hl=en-US&gl=US&ceid=US:en
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