On this Mother’s Day weekend, I’m making a public service announcement for a particular kind of mom that few people mention: The stepmom.
I’m married to one, and I can tell you it’s a tough gig. Lots of responsibility, lots of potential land mines. Being a good one requires a special sort of person, with nimble feet and a giant heart.
That’s generally true of parenthood, of course, but there’s a difference. A birth mom has a bond with a kid from, well, the moment of conception. That helps sustain a relationship through the inevitable rocky moments — middle-of-the-night diaper blowouts all the way to middle-of-the-night calls from jail. The love bond goes both ways, and it overcomes all of that.
Stepmoms come in midstream, without that connection. Sometimes, because of death or divorce and remarriage, they come in with a target on their back. And sometimes, when they’re thrust into the role of rule-enforcer, they’re on the receiving end of all the bile without the background of love.
They’re not mom. They’re the stepmonster.
That’s not always the case. In my particular situation, in the event you’re wondering, we’ve also seen beauty and love and bigger hearts. If you’re a stepmom, there’s another person you get to love, and another person who you can feel love from. You get to go along for the ride as somebody you care about has a first kiss or wins a tournament or brings home a 4.0. Maybe the hugs feel a little more...hard-earned, or something.
I’m a stepdad, so I guess I know a bit about all that. It’s been a joy. But that’s another column someday.
The stepmom has a tougher ride, just because more is expected of a mom and the emotional stakes are somehow higher.
My wife Angie has been the center of our family, the hub of the wheel, with two of my kids and three of hers in the house through their teenage years. So she’s both mom and stepmom, and the inevitable distinction between those roles creates yet another layer of complexity. Your own kids can’t feel diminished by the attention you give to the stepkids, and the stepkids can’t feel that they’re second-tier — while you have to remain supportive of their mother, and your own kids’ father, and...oh, right, don’t forget to turn in this form for the yearbook ad, and make the appointment to get the replacement orthotics, and we have to pick up the car from the body shop from where the kid rear-ended that lady at the stoplight.
None of this is to diminish the importance of moms or the complexity of their jobs. As many of you know, this is the first Mother’s Day I’ve been through without my own mom. That makes me think again how there’s never anybody like your own mom, not ever.
Young girls aspire to be moms, and that’s wonderful, and motherhood is at the core of our society. Nobody grows up thinking about being a stepmom; pulling it off well is a heckuva hire-wire act. The stakes are also high.
To my own wife, and to those of you out there trying to make it through, I want to say: Happy Mother’s Day. You’ve earned it.
May 08, 2021 at 07:49PM
https://themercury.com/opinion/from-the-publisher-dont-forget-the-stepmonster/article_345325f9-6e22-5559-a044-436fb2971fd0.html
FROM THE PUBLISHER | Don't forget the Stepmonster - Manhattan Mercury
https://news.google.com/search?q=forget&hl=en-US&gl=US&ceid=US:en
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